Karate Chopped
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 by Author @ 10:55 AM
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea."The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate chopped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,"That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"
Daddy's Hair
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 16, 2008 by Author @ 11:13 AM
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother."He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
Cost Cutting
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 15, 2008 by Author @ 11:11 PM
DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURESLodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations.
If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
Fingers Accidentally Shears Off
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 by Author @ 11:09 PM
Jon is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2000. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
First Child Doctor Visit
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 by Author @ 11:08 PM
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Fire Fido
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 by Author @ 8:01 PM
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Unlit Cigar
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 11, 2008 by Author @ 8:00 PM
Bill was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, "Sir! There's no smoking in here!"'I'm not smoking lady." replied Bill.
"But you have a cigar in your mouth!" the woman said.
"Lady," Bill answered, "I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse!"
Sister Margaret
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 10, 2008 by Author @ 7:58 PM
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said"Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong" .
"Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking.
"Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up"
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me"
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Hello, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"
Woman almost becomes roadkill
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 09, 2008 by Author @ 7:55 PM
A drunk Russian woman had to be pulled out of a newly-laid road after she fell into a concrete mixer and then into a pool of drying asphalt. Elena Pavlovna, 43, had been walking home after a lunchtime session with pals in the town of Kemerovo.She saw her path was blocked by machinery left by workers who were taking a break from resurfacing a road and tried to step over the machinery.
But she slipped and fell into a concrete mixer which had been left on and after a few minutes of being twirled around inside with the concrete mix she was "poured" out onto a pool of asphalt.
As she struggled to get out of the asphalt mix she slipped further into it until only her head was sticking out. She was pulled out by rescue workers who were called by workmen when they came back from their break.
A rescue service spokesman said: "'Despite the fact that only part of her mouth was out in the open she did not shut up and kept on telling us what we should be doing. It was really annoying."
Taken from Here
A Dollar
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 08, 2008 by Author @ 7:53 PM
Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."
The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toliet paper."
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"
"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"
Say Uncle
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 07, 2008 by Author @ 7:51 PM
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby."Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
Finding the Lord
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 06, 2008 by Author @ 7:50 PM
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A Wee Bit Of Trouble
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 05, 2008 by Author @ 7:48 PM
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. ""Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in... "
Three Wife
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 04, 2008 by Author @ 8:39 PM
There were three women who's husband's had all died on the same day, and the same hospital. All three of the wife's met each other, and starting talking about what they were going to do with their husband. All three of them said that their husbands were going to be cremated.The third wife asks the first where she's going to put her husbands ashes. The first replys "I'm going to go skydiving one last time, and then dump all of his ashes all over the place. That was the one thing that reminds me the most of him, so I'll do it."
The first asks the second where she's going to put her husbands ashes. The second tells them "Well, there's this one lake where we used to always go and fish there for many hours at a time. Yes, I think that would be the best place for him."
Then the second wife asks the third the same question as the other two. The third answers "What I'm going to do is this: I'm going to make a great big bowl of chili, with everything in it that he and I used to always eat, put the best and most expensive of everything though this time. And I'm going to put his ashes in it, and then eat it, so that he can tear my ass up one more time before he is totally out of my life."
A Sick Veterinarian
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 03, 2008 by Author @ 8:37 PM
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.The doctor took an extensive medical history and then inquired about her symptoms and complaints.
She interrupted him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking."
She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded and said, "Okay, I'll take your challenge."
The doctor quickly performed a physical exam, being careful not to ask any questions. He then picked up a pad, wrote a prescription and handed it to her.
"There you are. Take these pills four times a day for ten days. If this doesn't work, come back, and we'll put to sleep."
Successful Proctologist
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 02, 2008 by Author @ 8:35 PM
Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, "Look, do you mind not staring at me? It's making me uncomfortable."The other man says, "I'm sorry...My name is Jake. I'm gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out..."
Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. "I'm sorry, pal, but I'm a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer."
Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the guy followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away.
He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all.
While Cisco was probing, Jake kept 'ooo'ing and 'aaahhh'ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was really wrong.
Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.
"My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your butt!!!" He shouted. And Jake replied "READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!"
Gays
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 01, 2008 by Author @ 8:32 PM
There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him,
he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?"
What do Women really want
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, July 31, 2008 by Author @ 8:28 PM
Gawain, Arthur and the WitchYoung King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The Question: What do Women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises . . . He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.
Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH
Patients in a Mental Hospital
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, July 30, 2008 by Author @ 11:26 AM
Anthony and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day,while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Anthony suddenly dive into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Anthony out.The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you!The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."Kiss
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, July 29, 2008 by Author @ 11:23 AM
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." speaker replied,
"You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep It Short, Stupid."